If Donald Trump Were Currently a Senior in High School

Feedback on Donald’s final semester research paper, from his English teacher:

Donald — While you have some interesting, unique ideas here, you have not always organized them in a way that makes your agenda or your principles evident. Also while you argue for change in the United States with great passion, you have not proved that any of the sources you chose to use in this paper are credible or relevant. You fall often into non sequitur, into sweeping generalizations and into ad hominem. Finally, you overuse the simple-sentence construction, and your frequent repetition is not often effective. Note my comments throughout your paper, as well as the rubric and the original outline for this research-based position paper. You have until noon on December 22 to revise this paper. If you do well on the reading/language portion of the final, you have a chance of passing this course with a D. Please do this! I look forward to reading your revision. — Ms. C.


The vocabulary list Donald refuses to study for his finals:

  • vulnerable
  • entitlement
  • diversity
  • transgender
  • fetus
  • evidence-based
  • science-based
  • climate change
  • Paris Agreement
  • emissions reduction


An email exchange between Mrs. Mary Trump and Donald’s social studies teacher:

Dear Mrs. Trump,

Thank you for your email. Donald is fortunate to have such a supportive parent in his life. I hear all that you are saying about your concerns about the school and about Donald, but I can only speak to the concerns you have shared about my U.S. History class. I’ve responded to your specific comments below:

Donald needs extra time on all assignments. He does not have one of those special plans, but his father has always paid his teachers to make allowances for him. His father would like to know what amount would be sufficient.

I cannot take bribes. Donald has turned in most of his assignments on time, but he has not met the expectations. When I’ve asked him to revise, he has said, “It’s not important. My GPA is already bigly. It’s the best GPA, ever.” Have you and Mr. Trump considered having Donald tested? He might benefit from additional support.

Donald feels nervous and afraid when he is surrounded by people who look and act different than him. He tells me that your class is full of immigrants from South America, Africa, and Asia. Can he be switched to a class where he will be more comfortable?

No. It is too late at this point in the semester (the last week) to switch classes. Also, I must point out that Donald is surrounded by students who bring fascinating stories from their lives; he could learn quite a bit from them. I know from a passing comment Donald made that you are an immigrant from Scotland, Mrs. Trump. If Donald could see that the immigrant students who sit beside him in my class are immigrants just like you, he might relax and begin to get to know them. Maybe you could encourage this mindset at home?

Donald told me that you encourage the students to criticize our great country. I would like to request that Donald be excused from these uncomfortable conversations.

Donald regularly quotes from sources like Breitbart and Fox News in his papers for me, and he argues regularly in class discussions that the U.S. should build a wall on our southern border and that we should obliterate North Korea with a nuclear attack. As his history teacher, it is my job to provide other perspectives; it seems particularly important for Donald. However, he usually puts in his earbuds or watches Netflix videos on his phone when he does not like the topic of discussion. It is not criticism of our country that I am encouraging, but responsible civic engagement. I’d love to see that in Donald.

Thank you again for your email, Mrs. Trump. If you have any more questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.


Transcript (from the video) of a restorative justice conversation between Donald Trump and five girls who have accused him of inappropriate behavior with them after a football game. To protect the girls’ privacy, we will call them by the randomly selected pseudonyms Jessica, Ivana, Jill, Kristen, and Lisa. Note: after this session, the mediator, Mr. Jones, recommended the administration expel Donald, file a Title IX complaint, and get the district legal involved immediately.

TEACHER: Okay, guys, we have brought you in here because you five girls want Donald to hear something, right? And Donald, you want the girls to hear something, right? Okay, you’re all nodding. Good. So let’s start with Donald, okay? Donald, why do you think we’re sitting here together this afternoon?

DONALD: Because my father’s lawyer made sure we did it this way.

TEACHER: Ah. That — might be true, but this is also one way we solve conflict in this school, and —

LISA: This is not a conflict. Donald stuck his head right underneath their skirts. How is that a conflict? It’s a crime. Donald should not be sitting here right now. He should be in juvenile detention, or wherever.

TEACHER: I hear you, Lisa. Look, let’s back up, everyone. We are doing this through restorative justice, okay? So Donald has two minutes to tell his side of the story, and then you girls are going to repeat back what he said. Okay? Go ahead, Donald.

DONALD: Well, we were all hanging out after the football game, in the parking lot, right? I mean, Mr. Jones, you did that, too, right? Hung out with girls in the parking lot after football games?

TEACHER: Um, yeah.

DONALD: Right, this is just locker room talk, right? I mean, I was hanging out with these five beautiful ladies in the parking lot, and we were dancing to some good tunes someone was playing, you know? And that’s it. I went home after that.

TEACHER: That’s it?

KRISTEN: Mr. Jones. Donald touched my vagina through my underwear. That is not what kids do when they are just dancing.


JILL: And Mr. Jones? Donald pushed me up against a wall, and had his hands all over me, and tried to get up my dress. I screamed, and luckily these girls came running to help me, and to pull me away. Luckily, we weren’t alone in the parking lot. Because you know what would have happened. Right?

TEACHER: Wow. Okay, let’s slow down a little. Donald, what did you hear Jill say just now?

DONALD: Honestly? I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about how I should have just grabbed her by the —

TEACHER: That’s enough. You’re supposed to listen. That’s how this process works. Please listen. Let’s hear what Ivana needs to say. Ivana?

IVANA: I was still finishing up with the other cheerleaders that night. But three weeks ago? To my friends, I referred to what happened that night as a ‘rape,’ but — we were dating at the time — I don’t know.

TEACHER: Donald?

DONALD: She says we were dating at the time? I can never remember which of these blonde hotties I’m dating when.

JESSICA: You do see, right, Mr. Jones? I mean, that night of the football game? Donald was like an octopus. His hands were everywhere. People have definitely been expelled from this school, with criminal charges brought against them, for far less.


DONALD: Are we done here? I’m meeting my buddies for lunch at Chick-Fil-A, and they’re texting me.


Documentation in the high school’s online records system, by Donald’s physics teacher, Ms. Sheridan:

December 15: Emailed Donald’s parents that Donald will receive a zero on the physics final, as he was 1) standing in the hallway during passing time and proclaiming loudly, “I could stand in the middle of this hallway and shoot someone, and they would still pass me in physics!”; and 2) boasting on Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat that he had paid two students to allow him to copy their answers on the final exam; and 3) physically copying answers from the student sitting at the desk in front of him (in the video a classmate took, Donald stands at his desk so he can adequately see the other student’s scantron bubbles).

December 18: Called Donald’s parents, per request of the principal, to explain my reasons for giving Donald a zero on the physics final. Father asked how much it would cost for Donald to re-take the final, then explained he will sue the school. Mother said, “What kind of son have I created?”


Screenshots Taken of Donald’s Snapchat Story on December 22:

[image of a Mexican girl standing alone in front of the wall, looking up]: Ha ha ha can’t get in!

[image of five men in Chad trying to fill a plastic jug with brown water]: Why America is BETTER!

[image of ten dancing women bent over, backsides to the camera]: Yeah I’ll grab THAT!

[image of dead Sandy Hook teacher]: What I’d like to do to my English teacher

[image of a cat licking another cat’s anus]: JK! What I’d like to do to my English teacher


Email to Donald’s parents on December 22 (using mostly language from Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution, which explains the reasons for which a president can be impeached) from district superintendent’s office:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Trump,

He may be entitled,


he had a choice: stay eligible? Or endure removal?

and he has devolved

the oath


he may have power

to fill up all vacancies that may happen,

to judge

But today he shall be removed


the conviction


his crimes and misdemeanors.

Again: today he shall be removed.

— The Superintendent’s Office

top photo by Samantha Sophia on Unsplash